


LFC Injury Squad group chat: We Got Hurt All Over Europe

by Stardust_66



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Hint of hendoxmilly?, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Liverpool F.C., M/M, Milly being Milly, boring milner, hint of hendollana, hint of virgiljoe, hint of virgiltrent (one-sided), mention of Dejan Lovren/Mohamed Salah (past), robbo being the class clown
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:42:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27602272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stardust_66/pseuds/Stardust_66
Summary: Basically banter among the injured members of the squad (featuring cameos of previous lfc players).It's my first time writing crackfic, and in the group chat format. Suggestions welcome!
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	1. You'll Never Whine Alone

**Author's Note:**

> I blame the November international break (during the height of a pandemic!) for all this. The situation is too ridiculous, might as well try to have a laugh?
> 
> Also shout out to andyanthea for "is remontada a sauce?" about the 18-19 season! https://archiveofourown.org/works/19093366/chapters/45361951 Go read it if you haven't already, it's much funnier than what I can write

_\--theoxalade created the group chat You'll Never Whine Alone_

_theoxalade added taa66, iamrobbo, alisson1, thiago6, fabflaco, virg, joegomez, jbhenderson, nabylaaad, joelmatip, sadiomane10, tsimikas21, mosalah11, bigshaq23 to the group_

_theoxalade_ : Ok boys. Did I miss anyone?

 _taa66_ : um yea?

 _mosalah11:_ there are only 15 of us here

 _theoxalade:_ ONLY???

 _taa66:_ there's gini, origi, jota, milly, bobby, minamino...Anyone else?

 _joegomez:_ I think that's kind of the point.

 _virg:_ guys. read the group name.

 _theoxalade:_ we barely have a 1st team left!!!

 _iamrobbo:_ we barely have HALF a first team left

_\--jbhenderson changed the group name to Come back stronger_

_taa66:_ yes dad. ok dad.

 _theoxalade:_ wait if I'm the moderator for the group how come you get to change it?

 _theoxalade:_ nvm

_\--theoxalade changed the group name to We Got Hurt All Over Europe_

_alisson1_ : not just europe though

 _alisson1_ : also south america

 _mosalah11:_ and africa?

 _sadiomane10:_ good job with the nt naby lad

 _iamrobbo:_ NABY LAD

 _nabylaaad:_ Merci Sadio

 _nabylaaad:_ Yes Robbo

 _jbhenderson:_ Anyway what's the point of this group? We have a team group chat, and another first team group chat.

 _jbhenderson:_ Shouldn't we focus more on football?

 _alisson1:_ or on recovering so we can actually _play_ football

 _taa66_ : ok dad

 _iamrobbo:_ good point. 

_iamrobbo:_ the new hydrotherapy pool looks sick btw

 _virg_ : I call dibs on the two underwater tracks when I get back

 _taa66:_ fair enough

 _taa66:_ i mean virg's got the worse injury rn

 _theoxalade:_ why u need 2? 

_virg_ : for my boy joe of course

 _theoxalade:_ of course

 _theoxalade:_ anyway

 _theoxalade:_ since it was revealed the Boss had a secret account, instagram just wasn't safe anymore 

_theoxalade:_ also we can comment on the boys who played while we watch from home

 _iamrobbo:_ team remote watch party!

 _theoxalade:_ that's why

 _sadiomane10:_ i see

 _thiago6:_ hi lads. just got back from physio.

 _iamrobbo:_ ThiAgo! ThIAgo alcanTA-RA~

 _virg_ : why do I have the song playing in my head even from reading this

 _fabflaco:_ what happens to this chat when we recover from injury?

 _bigshaq23:_ or covid

 _thiago6:_ or both

 _tsimikas21:_ or both

 _theoxalade:_ too much trouble to update the list

 _theoxalade:_ ur all welcome to stay i guess

 _theoxalade:_ and watch the still-injured whine and suffer

 _iamrobbo:_ and watch us comment on your playing during games

 _taa66:_ also see what we think about the kids

 _theoxalade:_ what kids??

 _joegomez:_ chill. u know, like neco and rhys

 _theoxalade:_ ahh, the _kids_

 _iamrobbo:_ don't worry ox. skipper said he won't ask about when ur getting married again

 _jbhenderson:_ Did I?

 _alisson1:_ u know, with trent calling neco and rhys kids

 _alisson1:_ there's something in English for that, I think. Something about a...teapot?

 _nabylaaad:_ je ne sais pas

 _tsimikas21:_ what? I don't understand

 _mosalah11_ : it's just a saying, tsimi

 _mosalah11_ : Ali's not actually asking for a teapot

 _bigshaq23:_ although the brits do love their tea

 _mosalah11:_ sure do

 _mosalah11:_ it's coffee for me

 _bigshaq23:_ same

 _tsimikas21:_ me too

 _theoxalade:_ ...a minute of silence for dejan

 _mosalah11:_ I'm sorry?

 _taa66:_ mo's already found new coffee mates!

 _iamrobbo:_ Betrayal!! 

_mosalah11_ : ???

 _taa66:_ but about those kids

 _joelmatip_ : would u like to hear some interesting facts about the coffee bean?

 _jbhenderson:_ Not now, Joel. Thank you.

 _jbhenderson:_ What about them, Trent?

 _taa66:_ I mean, how many have we got?

 _theoxalade:_ um

 _bigshaq23_ _:_ neco, rhys, nat, billy, umm...

 _taa66:_ billy has no 1st team caps, nat can't play the champions league

 _iamrobbo:_ ...Oh.

 _taa66:_ Do we have enough to last through Christmas?

 _theoxalade:_ uhhh

 _iamrobbo:_ well at least we still have milly

 _taa66:_ right

 _taa66:_ fittest guy in liverpool

 _taa66:_ imagine if he still played for City

 _iamrobbo:_ then we're doomed!!

 _mosalah11_ : Hey, robbo. Smile, relax, we'll be fine :)

 _iamrobbo:_ we're doomed :) 

_theoxalade:_ ok that's it then boys! training&recovery time

 _jbhenderson:_ That's what I like to see.

_\--jbhenderson changed the group name to_ _If I aint got you_

TBC?

\---

(Maybe) Coming up next time: Is Milner a robot?

New chants?


	2. The kids are alright, right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this got longer than I thought!   
> Set before the last Champions League group stage match

_\--theoxalade added adzllana14, dejlovren6 to the group You'll Never Whine Alone (17)_

_dejlovren6_ : what's this?

 _theoxalade_ : Adz! Dej! We missed you!

 _adzllana14:_ hi guys! I missed you too ❤️😊

 _jbhenderson:_ Great choice of kit number Adz 😍

 _adzllana14:_ Thx Jord 💕😍

 _dejlovren6_ : UGH. Not again.

 _dejlovren6_ : hello? Can someone explain to me what this group is about

 _dejlovren6_ : im in a fuckin different time zone here, almost bedtime

 _virg:_ go to sleep then old man

 _dejlovren6_ : shut up I'm just 2 yrs older than you!

 _joegomez:_ chill, dej

 _joegomez:_ ox made this group for us injured players to support each other

 _alisson1:_ and to watch lfc games together

 _theoxalade_ : And now it also includes former players!!!

 _dejlovren6_ : you should get ingsy then. im not even fuckin injured

 _theoxalade_ : ah good point

 _joegomez_ : we just thought maybe you could cheer mo up

 _joegomez_ : with jota scoring most of the goals in these past few games and all

 _theoxalade_ : ofc we miss ingsy too

 _theoxalade_ : and i know you're just cranky today because you guys lost to Dortmund yesterday

 _dejlovren6_ : 😭😭 **😭**

 _dejlovren6_ : AND Mo ignored my messages

 _alisson1:_ I don't understand

 _alisson1:_ Isn't that what he always does?

 _bigshaq23:_ oh shit ali ur right

 _alisson1:_ so what's the problem

_\--dejlovren6 has left the chat_

_theoxalade:_ no! wait! mo is starting today!

 _theoxalade: ..._ we could watch the game together

 _virg:_ he'll be fine. besides, doesn't mo have someone new now? @tsimikas21

 _joegomez_ : He does?? O_o

 _iamrobbo:_ joey my boy

 _iamrobbo:_ you've been focusing more on your fam even before your injury

 _iamrobbo:_ hence missing out on all the good team GOSSIP!

 _adzllana14:_ Ooooh what gossip? 0w0

 _adzllana14:_ hold on I need a cuppa ready. Kettles boiling now

 _adzllana14:_ @jbhenderson are you watching this?

 _jbhenderson:_ sorry luv, need to get ready for the match soon

_\--iamrobbo shared a folder_

_joegomez:_!!!

 _alisson1:_!!!

 _bigshaq23:_!!!

 _theoxalade_ : !!! wait where is everyone else

 _theoxalade_ : they ALL need to see this

 _alisson1:_ yeah it does seem a bit quiet today

 _virg:_ to be fair, i thought joel was gonna pop up to share some injury stats among former lfc players or something

 _iamrobbo:_ quite a few of us recovered to make it into the subs list today! Sorry lads!

 _theoxalade_ : 😩 Now I'm not only the lowest-fifa-rated person on the team, but also the longest-injured...

 _theoxalade_ : oh no wait there's still @ _thiago6_ who I've barely met

 _iamrobbo:_ Tsimi you're starting tonight! wanna explain ur self to the lads before or after the game?

_iamrobbo: @tsimikas21 @tsimikas21 @tsimikas21_

_joegomez_ : ...I guess he already put his phone away and went to warm up

 _joegomez_ : But I didn't expect this at all!!

 _joegomez_ : Tsimi flirting with both Mo AND Trent?

 _virg_ : I guess someone had to inherit robbo's role of the flirty left back

 _bigshaq23:_ We are quite close too 😉

 _iamrobbo:_ training-buddy close or heart-emoji close?

 _virg_ : ooh someone's jealous 

_virg_ : fucks sake robbo. you and trent made a whole tv show together, remember

 _theoxalade_ : At all of our expenses! AND you boys fuckin hung up on me!

 _theoxalade_ : On camera!

 _virg:_ so i'm sure you won this robbo, whatever "this" is

_\--theoxalade added james(boring)milner to the group_

_iamrobbo: JIMMY!!! JAMES!_

_iamrobbo: MI-LE-NER! to the rescue of your favourite scot!_

_james(boring)milner: Hi boys_

_theoxalade:_ milly u don't have to emphasize the "boring" bit u know

 _joegomez:_ yeah I thought it was just for the fans?

 _alisson1:_ Was it?

 _iamrobbo:_ this is a safe space for banter 

_iamrobbo:_ we support each other in bants

 _iamrobbo:_ we support each other with pants?

 _iamrobbo:_ is it in or with?

 _iamrobbo:_ arghfuck autocorrect

 _theoxalade:_ it's ok milly _._ u don't have to pretend to be boring anymore

 _virg:_ what the fuck robbo

 _iamrobbo:_ it wasn't meee

 _alisson1:_ i'm confused

 _virg:_ it's okay ali.

 _virg:_ foreign language skills is both a blessing and a curse

 _virg:_ trust me, i know

 _james(boring)milner:_ Ah sorry for the wait

 _james(boring)milner:_ I was just measuring the temperature of me tea

 _james(boring)milner:_ Thanks guys. Keeping a consistent online persona helps me stay in character on the socials though.

 _theoxalade:_ if you say so...

 _theoxalade:_ speaking of language skills...

 _theoxalade:_ how great is the Irish kid?? @alisson1

 _theoxalade:_ And how do you say this name???

 _alisson1:_ Very impressive. clean sheets in both CL and PL debut

 _joegomez:_ Calm and composed, good with his feet

 _joegomez:_ Great ball distribution even when pressed, unlike someone we know...

 _virg:_ wait which one do you mean?

 _joegomez:_ *facepalm* good point virg

 _joegomez:_ anyway, none of them are in this chat so we're ok

 _theoxalade:_ don't you dare leak to ur national teammate @thiago6!

 _theoxalade:_ or I will play the same Little Mix song on repeat when we are in rehab together

 _theoxalade:_ back to my question

 _theoxalade:_ how do you say the kids name? Ka-o-min?

 _alisson1:_ I heard it once but forgot how to say it

 _virg:_ chio-minh?

 _virg:_ must be hard for you Ali, since goalies train together

 _alisson1:_ it's ok we don't talk much in training

 _james(boring)milner:_ I pronounce it chow-mien

 _bigshaq23:_ 😂wut

 _theoxalade:_ stop it milly

 _bigshaq23:_ I feel sorry for the kid. I can relate though 

_theoxalade:_ yea mate, with a name like yours

 _alisson1:_ It's not like you have the easiest name either?

 _iamrobbo:_ GUYS! It's Quee-vin! Or KWee-vin!

 _iamrobbo:_ It's Irish for Kevin!

 _iamrobbo:_ seriously it's not that hard

 _james(boring)milner:_ Ah I see

 _james(boring)milner:_ I'll call him Kev then

_iamrobbo: ..._

_virg: ..._

_theoxalade:_ oh milly

 _theoxalade:_ So who are we missing in the chat today? 

_theoxalade:_ I mean whos recovered?

 _iamrobbo:_ trent, fab, baby, joel,

 _iamrobbo:_ hendo and i are currently on the bench and will probably get subbed on

 _iamrobbo:_ same with sadio

 _iamrobbo:_ mo and tsimi are also starting!

 _iamrobbo:_ A round of virtual applause for our boy trent!

 _iamrobbo:_ first time wearing the captain's armband!

 _iamrobbo:_ leading our youngest CL squad too

 _iamrobbo:_ @adzllana14 you and hendo must be so proud💖

 _adzllana14:_ 😍our boy

 _adzllana14:_ and this one's from hendo 😍

 _theoxalade:_ Yay Treeent!

 _virg:_ Also billy the kid making his debut!

 _alisson1:_ Rhys and nat played brilliantly on their debuts too

 _alisson1: @virg @joegomez_ are you worried about your starting position when you come back?

 _joegomez: ..._ May i politely decline to answer?

 _virg:_ I could as you the same thing ali

 _alisson1:_ Fair enough, sorry boys

 _joegomez:_ but the kids are doing really well

 _virg:_ which means we need to work harder

 _theoxalade:_ somehow it feels wrong to hear joey say this

 _iamrobbo:_ Joey, young Padawan

 _iamrobbo:_ the hardships you faced at a young age have made you wise

 _iamrobbo:_ i meant the injuries ofc

 _iamrobbo:_ luv u joey❤️

 _virg:_ robbo thats not a real SW quote is it

 _iamrobbo:_ no? does it sound like one? +w+

virg: nah

 _joegomez:_ thx mate

 _joegomez:_ but seriously, youngest squad? did not see that coming tbh

 _joegomez:_ and it's only december

 _alisson1:_ And only the start of December

 _virg:_ ugh don't remind me

 _virg:_ still months of rehab ahead

 _james(boring)milner:_ Cheer up big man

 _james(boring)milner:_ Do you know what's better than running on the treadmill?

 _virg: ..._ I can think of many things

 _virg:_ sleeping, eating, playing FIFA, training drills, even the painful yoga classes

 _james(boring)milner:_ Running on the brand new underwater treadmill at Kirkby!

_virg: ..._

_virg:_ ok

 _virg:_ thank you Milly

 _james(boring)milner:_ Anytime

 _iamrobbo:_ anyway

 _iamrobbo:_ our kids are older than dortmund's kids so we're safe

 _iamrobbo:_ no accusations of child labour anytime soon!

 _theoxalade:_ 😂 fair enough

 _theoxalade:_ though depending on new brexit rules

 _theoxalade:_ gini's probably way overworked as a foreign national

 _iamrobbo:_ great point!

 _iamrobbo:_ Get the man a bigger contract!

_\--theoxalade added_ diogoalJ _to the group_

 _iamrobbo:_ NOOOO!!! not dioGOAL also!!

 _iamrobbo:_ 😭😭😭

 _joegomez:_ That sucks man

 _joegomez:_ how long u out for @diogoalJ

 _diogoalJ:_ 2 months max?

 _iamrobbo:_ 😖😖😖 

_diogoalJ:_ could be worse i guess

 _diogoalJ:_ thankfully we still have more options in attack

 _iamrobbo:_ but the fans made you a chant!

 _iamrobbo:_ Diogo Jota! My my, Wolves are gonna miss ya!

 _iamrobbo:_ It goes like Mamma Mia

 _iamrobbo:_ The boss will love it 😆

TBC?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll leave you with the Diogo Jota chant which is now stuck in my head at 11PM 😂
> 
> I can't remember where I heard the terrible chow-mien joke first (probably 442oons?)
> 
> (Also inspired by the amazing Wingmen series!)
> 
> I saw Jota's injury news earlier today and was like wtf...It's so ridiculous at this point (insert Kloppo's laugh of disbelief). Looks like our best chance is for the injuries to spread out so that at least some players are back when new players get injured......


End file.
